john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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