Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
