I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
