Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
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