wakey wakey hands off snakey
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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