I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
