If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
