He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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