i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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