By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i wish my penis had a tongue
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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