SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Randomize
