So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
