just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
