And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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