I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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