She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
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I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
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I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
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