Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
