i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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