Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
