the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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