I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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