FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Randomize
