I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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