Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i came on her dog
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
