Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
