i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
