Will you blow on my dice?
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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