You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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