I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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