there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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