You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
whose ass print is on the piano?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
