We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
