Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize