just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
