So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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