Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize