My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
