my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
