grandma shit on top of the toilet
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
