i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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