I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
