guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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