Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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