it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're like the curious george of whores
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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