In the future we'll all be gay
I wish my penis had an off switch
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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