I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
