come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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