That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
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Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
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Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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