Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
