the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
