so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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