i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
