I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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