Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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