And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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