it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
