Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
