I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
