I accidentally had phone sex last night
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
