Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
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